On Listening

`We were given 2 ears and 1 mouth for a reason.’ Annoyed by this phrase as a child…my older, wiser self is now a Power User with my kids. Unfortunately, most of us forget this adage, making life harder than it has to be. Smart devices and today’s over scheduled new normal has subconsciously atrophied our awareness of what it means to be a ‘good listener’. The reality is we are part-timers for many of the conversations we’re involved.

Personally, the last chaotic decade of rapidly building a team, a business and a family called for efficiency. The feeling of constant pressure created habits to just ‘get the job done’. Having made the transition from the world of banking and VC to Executive Coaching, I now realize missed investments in my relationships that can be improved with simply changing my perspective on listening.

Because of the well worn grooves of my habits, I was conditioned to rapidly solve or fix. I conditioned people coming to me to expect that. As a result, I created dependencies on myself and stunted growth opportunities for those around me, rendering my efforts WAY less scalable. I now frequently remind myself that the request to fix, solve or provide my advice might eventually come, but that I shouldn’t jump to that conclusion.

While it is a requisite skill in Coaching, the benefits to becoming a better listener exist in all facets of our lives:

• Manager or Teammate — 1:1s; performance reviews, interviews, team meetings
• Parent — a child’s conflict with a classmate or dealing with the anxiety that comes from an unconquered fear
• Spouse or Partner — setting expectations, resolving disagreements, understanding non-obvious requests for help or teamwork
• Client or Prospect — product or pricing feedback disguised as complaints, competitive intel, understanding personal situations or internal political dynamics

I hope sharing some of what I’ve learned will help clear out some of the cobwebs.

What makes someone a ‘good’ listener?

Who in your life can you truly say is a ‘good’ listener?

How do they make you feel?

What are their questions like?

What kind of space do they create for you?

What can you learn from them?

How would you rate yourself as a listener?

When are you at your best? Your worst?

The Levels of Listening

In Co-Active Coach training, the ‘Levels of Listening’ framework provides a crucial foundation from where to build. It’s worth noting that as life moves very fast, the way we listen is incredibly context dependent. Not all situations call for or allow our deepest listening. The goal is to build the muscles and awareness so we turn off ‘auto pilot’ and intentionally bring what is situationally optimal. As a result of bringing the ‘right touch’ approach to listening, we have the ability to improve all of our relationships. Even the bad ones.

Level 1 — We are listening to talk. Envision an imaginary conversation wall between ourselves and our conversation partner…for some reason, prison images from Arrested Development or Horrible Bosses 2 comes to mind (guess I’m just a big Jason Bateman fan!). We hear everything they have to say as it relates to ourselves with an inward focus on our thoughts, beliefs and what we’re going to say next. Because our attention is internal, in this level our curiosity stops there, with us. We aren’t truly curious about whom we’re speaking. A Coach (or parent or manager) listening in Level 1 is not showing up with a curiosity to help his or her client truly move forward or learn more about themselves. They are likely showing up to fix, problem solve, defend, etc.

Level 2 — In Level 2, we are dialed in. It requires self-management. Phones are on DND, eye contact is locked, shoulders are square and body language demonstrates our intent. The imaginary divider for where our attention lies is gone. We are focused on the speaker. We are hearing the words and how the words are being spoken (fast, slow, high pitch, low pitch). We are noticing body language and we are in tune for how the speaker feels about their content. Are they excited about it? Are they not? Is there a disconnect from what they are saying and how they are saying it?

Level 3 — Level 3, or Global Listening, takes Level 2 a step further by absorbing what else is present, the temperature and energy of the conversation. Level 3 observes pauses, exhales or maybe a rushed answer to an uncomfortable topic as an invitation to tap into our deeper curiosity and intuition for our partner. By making ourselves available for this type of listening, the potential for greater understanding exists.

In a complimentary framework, The Conscious Leadership Group suggests that we direct our listening efforts to the speaker’s head (words, thoughts, beliefs), heart (emotions) and gut (base desires or wants) to make sure we are getting the full picture. I have found that if I’m soundly in Level 2 or 3, this prompt provides potentially unchartered territory to explore. I have also relied on this heuristic to check in. And when I do, I admittedly will find that I’m listening squarely in Level 1 and need to level up!

By failing to prepare, you prepare to fail

If you’ve played a sport or made a big presentation, you know preparation is everything. Your results depend on it. You watch tape and scout an opponent. You do your research and you practice. You get a good night’s sleep and eat right. Preparing for important conversations to be a great listener is no different.

Set your conversation up for success. It’s always helpful before jumping into these conversations that you check in. See where your conversation partner is. Acknowledge where you are. Articulate whatever you need to become more present. Turn your notifications off and take devices off the table. And then once you’ve set yourself up for success, let that sense of presence guide you as your discussion evolves.

Call a Time Out!

Every great sports coach leverages a time out or half time talk to make key adjustments. They understand what’s working, what’s not working and adjust appropriately.

Frequently, in our most important conversations, there are distractors that keep us from being fully present. The dog is barking. Prior conversations are lingering. Slack or Teams messages buzz. Maybe we’re confused or triggered by the last comment and are now focused inward. And sometimes, we’re just bored or tired and space out.

Find your metaphorical timeout or half time. Stop pretending you are present when you are not. Don’t try to listen to the next 30 seconds and attempt to jump back into the moving vehicle of the conversation…fingers crossed what you say next is relevant :)! Call yourself out.

If you get lost, clarify. If you space out or go to Level 1, admit it and ask for a quick rewind. It is also helpful to spin back what you’ve heard and believe you understand. Let them confirm/deny/modify so you don’t have to guess, then move forward.

Through leveraging our ability to call a timeout, we name these sneaky elephants in the conversation and give ourselves permission to come back and show up in Level 2+. Just like the best listeners in our lives do for us.

What Next

Pay attention to how you are as a listener when it matters. This conversation might be with your partner, child, or direct report. It might be in a broader setting such as a team meeting, an investor pitch or loan committee.

I challenge you in your next material conversation to stop ‘sleep listening’ and get present. To start, check in and personally clear what you need so that the ‘conscious you’ is here, not some distracted version of you. If you lose your way, know that it’s OK and beneficial to address it so that you can regroup.

Remember that by first establishing your focus and checking in, we create space. This invites our curiosity and intuition in service of others to help drive their own clarity of thought. Through this clarity, they have the chance to find their own answers or the next best step. Teaching to fish.

As you do this over the next couple weeks, try to notice and reflect:

• At what level are you listening?
• When you make a conscious effort in the ‘right’ conversations to transition to Level 2 and 3, how does this affect your interactions?
• Are you tapped into what their Head, Heart and Gut are saying?
• What is the response from whomever you’re interacting with?

My strong hunch is that your conversations and interpersonal relationships gain depth and greater understanding that help you all continue to grow. Happy listening!